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User blog:THEJJRAT/Peridot's Bizarre Education
Peridot gets TEACHED the taste of fresh meat 2015 Within a bath tub located in Beach City, a lesbian space mineral was knee deep in the dead. Yes, she was washing in the gore soup that was the many corpses of Nazis and demons. Doomguy and his great grand daddy were both present in Beach City at the time, and were eager to supply Peridot with material for her fetish. As bits of demon tendon floated around her feet, she watched funny Shrek memes on TubeTube and snickered to herself. Until, however, she came across a video containing ear piercing ear rape that nearly shattered her gem. She dropped her tablet, screaming in terror as the device fell towards the literal bloodbath she was marinating in. She then used her metal powers in panic, grabbing the nearest metal objects and pulling them close to her. Her tablet and a chunk of cyberdemon hit her in the face and caused her to poof, her tablet floating in warm blood. "WHAT HAPPEN" screamed a demoman who kicked down the door, the black Scottish cyclops entering the room. He ran towards the tub, and found a green gem stuck within an SS officer's bicuspid valve. "OH JOLLY JUNIORS" screamed the demoman, fishing out the gem, tablet, and some iron cross medal that looked cool. He set them on the sink to dry, and then took a piss all over the toilet. "Ah, now that's the way ye do et!" he yelled in pleasure, closing his eyes in pure bliss as urine flew left and right. "The pizza rolls are ready!" Pearl called out from the kitchen. "HOLY FOKKIN' SHITE" screamed the demoman, charging out of the bathroom with his shield. A few moments later, Peridot reformed and fell off the sink, landing face first on the cold floor. After a few seconds of processing this information, she yelped and removed herself from the floor with the utmost stamina. She ran to the bathtub, finding a lack of her tablet. She scratched her dorito hair in confusion, before turning around and seeing the tablet. On the the edge of the sink. Taunting her. "I got you now motherfucker" muttered Peridot, who was now standing on the piss covered toilet, furiously rubbing her hands together. She then made a leap of faith, banging her head on the sink and exploding. Green blood covered the bathroom walls as she literally fucking exploded. Steven tiredly stumbled inside, yawning as he scratched his ass in Spanish. He then realized that the bathroom looked like a shitshow, and that Peridot was dead. He yelled, falling to his knees and grasping the bright green, still beating heart of Peridot. He broke into tears, violently sobbing as a wild piss from earlier flew towards him and knocked him out on impact. Garnet, Pearl, and the Demoman rushed inside, Pearl gasping and covering her mouth at the horrifying scene. Garnet checked Steven's pulse as Demoman dropped to the floor, crawling around and licking the green blood off the floor. "this isn't juicy drop pop" "He's alive, just unconscious." said Garnet, feeling like she could vomit from Peridot's brutal remains. Pearl dropped her knees and broke down, the demoman licking her leg in an attempt to calm her. Tears ran down Garnet's cheeks as she held Peridot's heart in her gauntlet, before she accepted what had to be done. "W-what do we do n-n-n-now? S-steven's going to be..." Pearl said, before Garnet looked her in the eye. "There's only one thing we can do, Pearl." "No, not that. Not now. Not today-" "Pearl, we must. I'm smarter than you so I know what I'm doing anyhow." "Oh... O-okay..." "I'm drunk" said the demoman, officially ending that exchange. Garnet took the heart in her hand and stabbed it with a butcher knife, chanting strange demonic words, all starting with the letter V. Then, a strange portal appeared from the floor, sucking in the gore and blood and pooping out a brand new Peridot. And then sucking in thirty male citizens from Beach City, dooming them to eternal foreskin torture. She had made a deal with Vatan. To be continued.... fantastic peridots and how to poof them As Peridot flew out of the Vell portal, her mind was strangely clouded by memories of mushrooms. This was a common side effect of entering Vell, called "Vatanis Shroomis Syndrome". She realized she was soaring through the air, and let out a blood cuddling screech as she was grabbed by Garnet. Garnet set her on the floor as she squirmed and attempted to bite Garnet's gauntlet in a fit of unbridled rage, until she eventually grew tired. Garnet grinned, ruffled Peridot's dorito hair and left, the demoman biting onto Steven's shirt and carrying him out while making cat noises. Note that he was still walking on all fours. Pearl turned to leave, as she remembered she left the oven on, before feeling her socks being tugged on. She looked down, Peridot giving her puppy eyes and pointing at the sink. "Oh, that thing? You could've just asked." she said, pulling a spear of hard light from her forehead and shooting at the mirror. This created a small explosion, sending the tablet flying through the air, hitting Peridot in the back of the head and knocking her out cold. Pearl shrugged and left. Roughly three minutes afterward, Peridot awoke when some dumbass drove a car through the ceiling. "WHAT" Peridot shouted in fear, hiding inside of the sink's cupboard as the driver, an old saggy nude man painted blue, chaotically laughed and drove out of the ceiling. He then went into hyperspeed, shooting across the stars and entering another galaxy entirely. After a few seconds, Peridot peaked her head out of the cupboard, sighing in relief when she saw that the mass murderer had left. She then bolted to the door, grabbing her tablet and leaving the cursed room before any other catastrophes would befall her. She was then promptly hit by a car, as she accidentally slipped in-between the Fifth Dimension, which is just a giant Penrose Triangle road populated by cars driven by giant maggots. Garnet noticed this, as she was an expert in slippingintotheFifthDimensionology, and grabbed Peridot's legs and mercilessly tore her out. "i want to die" Peridot said in response, shocked from the eldritch horror she just saw. "Understandable, have a nice day" said Garnet, throwing Peridot across the room as she screamed like a confused animal. She landed on the couch, taking at moment to think over her race's place in the universe and breath. She then grabbed her tablet, opening Google Ultron and looking up "therapists for young peridots who have experienced traumatic near death experiences near me" as Captain Blazkowicz opened the door. He openly announced his presence, Steven's excited gasp heard from across the house. Peridot rolled her eyes as she scrolled through the search results, Steven audibly running across the room and jumping into the war veteran's arms. "Uncle B.J.!" Steven screeched, the Nazi murderer twirling around like a soldier that just came home after fifty years to find the son he never knew or something. Except they weren't related. The Doom Slayer walked in after his great grandfather, ignoring him and Steven's antics, lumbering directly into the kitchen to talk to Garnet and Pearl while leaving a trail of bloody footsteps in the same of lasagna meals. He had his special lasagna boots on. VEGA said something about radioactive Hell portal activity near the boardwalk, but Peridot couldn't care less about such tomfoolery. She was on the 335th page of search results, and not even a Gem Colonization of Earth would stop her from finding a therapist. Preferably one who eats watermelons. Because those are good meals. Suddenly, out of nowhere, she realized that Captain B.J. sat next to her on the couch. He sat some sort of mysterious computer on the table. It was a shrunken Z3 electromechanical computer that he stole 71 years ago, B.J. having added a screen and a keyboard using duct tape. "How are ya, jitterburg?" asked B.J. when he noticed Peridot's presence. "go fuck yourself with a rusty pipe" Peridot mumbled, face glued to her tablet. B.J. was stunned by this epic roast, and he looked down to the wooden floor, a look of dread on his face as he contemplated his entire existence. Amazing how a mineral could make you feel so small in this vast, ever growing universe. He then started watching his Jerma stream, as it was Tuesday. "I almost just started pissing" the small Bostonian man said on stream. B.J. blankly store at the computer, his mind scrambling to hang onto some clown car joke or something before his brain was consumed by depression and PTSD. Suddenly, a Nazi commander appeared in a cloud of blue gas, ゴ symbols surrounding the man. "HOLY SHIT IT'S A NAZI" B.J. yelled, jumping out of the couch and pulling out his M1941. "Hah, you think you can beat me, silly Polish boy? NOT WHEN I ACTIVATE MY TRAP CARD!" screamed Oskar Dirlewanger, pulling out his Armored Glass trap card. Armored Glass then magically materialized around his body, fitting each and every sexy curve of his German body. "Think again, Oskar." B.J. muttered, raising his head to reveal his sharingan, in the shape of the Office of Secret Affairs symbol. "UNMÖGLICH!" yelled Oskar in surprise. B.J. sadistically grinned, pulling out his MP61 Maschinenpistole when he heard the Nazi nefariously cackling to himself. B.J. gasped when he saw Oskar's blood red eyes, sporting two black swastikas in place of his pupils. "GASP ! THIS MUST BE THE WORK OF AN ENEMY 「ＳＴＡＮＤ」! ! !" B.J. screamed, screaming in fear. Oskar then shot lasers out of his eyes, piercing B.J.'s left buttock as the household gathered to watch the incredible fight. B.J. screeched in agony, but this only activated the trap card located within said buttock. From the buttock wound poured a stream of razor sharp Smallville trading cards, B.J. smirking at they flew towards Oskar's chest. However, with the lift of a finger, Oskar froze the stream in its tracks. B.J.'s smirk devolved into a horrified grimace as Oskar pushed the cards back at his attacker with a devastating super sonic shockwave, the cards cutting through the American's fleshly body and attaching to the wall behind him. B.J. gasped as the pain surged through his bones, though he was lucky enough to have the cards miss his heart and kidneys. "Try again, dummkopf." Oskar said, before Batman jumped through the window behind him. "Nothin' personnel, kid." Batman said. "NANI?!" Oskar screamed, before Batman jumped onto him and broke his legs. Oskar screamed in agony as B.J. held him down, Snape arriving and snapping his neck with a snap, crackle, pop. Oskar laid dead as the three violated his earlobes, Peridot ignoring this display as she fastened her search. On the 467th page of search results, something finally snagged Peridot's eye like a moth being grabbed by a sweaty homeless man before being consumed. A Craigslist aid. "Dr. Sensai Sweaty Lost Ronatu Hari Kari Vertmandoer, therapist and expert psychologist who works with a variety of sapient species, including humans, vortigaunts, tau, gems (excluding watermelon tourmalines), Tiss'shar, byeahs, ghishi, and zagurathions. Earned several thousand PhDs at the University of Mbuji Mayi. Won a Nobel Peace Prize 1952. Was bestowed a Key to the City by Mayor Bill Dewey in 1995. Veteran of the First Sino-Japanese War and the Anglo-Zulu War." However, something more touched Peridot's arousing pupils as she scrolled to hire the therapist. The mention of the Anglo-Zulu War. She did not know what this was, but she was determined to find out. She removed herself from the couch and roamed around the house, before finding Garnet consuming a meal in the kitchen. She stared at Garnet for around four minutes, until she noticed the green gem's presence. Garnet was highly uncomfortable, especially when Peridot approached her face to an uncomfortable degree. "garnet" "Yes, Peridot?" "what is the anglo-zulu war" And like that, the plate she was holding shattered. Like her mind. Garnet simply stared into oblivion, as the horrible memories flashed before her three eyes. The blood, and the shooting, and the screaming... all like it was just yesterday. A single droplet of water, mucin, lipids, lysozyme, lactoferrin, lipocalin, lacritin, immunoglobulins, glucose, urea, sodium, and potassium drizzled down her cheek as she got up and walked away. Peridot then whimpered in defeat, walking forward with her head hung down. And then Williamsite (original gemsona OC don't steal or ill call the fucking CIA) arrived because he was craving spaghetti. "I wonder if they got any rigatoni up in this hizzay" Williamsite wondered, walking into the kitchen and opening the fridge in search of pasta rigatonis. As Peridot brooded, she accidentally bumped into Williamsite's leg. She screeched like an autistic bird and looked up in turmoil, discovering Williamsite's smooth and delicate face of justice. "OH OH OH WILLIAMSITE" Peridot shouted, jumping up and down in excitement and foaming at the mouth. Williamsite rarely ever went to the surface, since he was busy building dead rats out of alive rats and torturing his hostages deep within the Temple usually. "woah lil' periperson I just want some pasta raviolis know what I'm sayin" said Williamsite, doing an Italian finger thing. "what" asked Peridot. The words articulated by the taller green gem hit her like a train, a train smothered in the physical residue of bamboozlement that got in her eyes and stung like a bitch. She shook her head, retconning her previous statement with the following: "What's THE ANGLO-ZULU WAR" Williamsite stared blankly at her, failing to find a response to this simply bizarre question. "fuck if i know lmao" Williamsite replied, nervously laughing as he opened the fridge in search of rigatonies. Peridot then proceeded into the T-pose and sunk into the floor, surfacing somewhere in Iceland. It was the therapists's temporary house of livings, as his last one was infested by giant murderous cockroach women. Peridot proceeded into the house, which was made of rice and ice, stopping before the therapist, who was reading a book about cockroach antlers. The therapist noticed her presence, his eye twitching before he slammed the book shut. "You must be Peridot." said Dr. Sensai Sweaty Lost Ronatu Hari Kari Vertmandoer, removing himself from his chair made of ice. "yes" Peridot replied, not in the mood of things. Dr. Sensai Sweaty Lost Ronatu Hari Kari Vertmandoer didn't quite understand what this meant, but he complied. Peridot took herself a seat, and began the procedure. Dr. Sensai Sweaty Lost Ronatu Hari Kari Vertmandoer then dug into her arm with a sawblade, fixing her broken mind as Peridot stared into the distance. Hoping to break the ice and pick himself a smokin' mineral space babe up, he said "oh yes my deviled eggs are burning in the kitchen". Peridot slowly turned her head to his, locking his eyes with a fierce look for the ages. "what is the anglo-zulu war" "Oh, haha, splendid. Simply delicious. I remember it like it was yesterday.... I was with my war buddies, Diogenes Laërtius, Michel Eyquem de Montaigne, and Garnet Eggwash when we were stationed in Kambula. We knew what was going to happen that day. What we were about to do. Did we have any private, traitorous thoughts? Perhaps. But we said nothing. Not on the ride to Kambula, not when the Impi arrived. It was 12.45 when the fighting began. After we did whatever we did and destroyed them with the Giant British Death Laser Of Doom, we burned their villages and ate their children's lunch money. No one survived. Not even the women or the children. It was truly horrific." said Dr. Sensai Sweaty Lost Ronatu Hari Kari Vertmandoer, tears welling up in his eyes. then Peridot got deported back to the United States the end takes place after lapis lazubitch steals the barn as if anybody cares Category:Blog posts Category:Blogs:Canon Category:Blogs:StevenUniverse Category:Blogs:Peridot Category:Blogs:Williamsite Category:Blogs:Doomguy